So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”