Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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How dude HOW?!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I can fix him.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados