Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My wedding will be open casket.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog