Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel KamakawiwoĘ»ole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.