my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You Might Also Like
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.