I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
You Might Also Like
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.