What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
#Thanos #MondayMood
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you