At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
doing some research
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
need him
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*