*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.