I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
How I’d get arrested…
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
LOL