A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then