Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You Might Also Like
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.