Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Bike is short for Bichael.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.