The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Breaking news:
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.