I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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thanks auntie mary
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed