in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
You Might Also Like
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call