[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
There’s always that one guy
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
#milo
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.