they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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Hello, my name is Pierre.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
When you have to marry your mother-in-law