Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*