Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years