My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants