Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?