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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…