I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
good work, everybody
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
What is going on? 😅
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
#winning
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”