Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)