20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.