My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.