Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?