Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Thoughts
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber