lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Twitter is an abusement park.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You wish you had this many chins.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣