[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
🥲
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it