What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.