David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie