I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.