i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Wait for it
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less