Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Boom, boom, ching!
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.