[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it