[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.