I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?