DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush