banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…