In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.