Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG