me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Just me and my debit card against the world
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
this is me
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”