Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
security at the airport getting more straightforward
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.