Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat