Hamburger Hinderer.
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”