A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Last-minute gift idea!
cry laughing at this shit
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]