I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
is this store having a stroke wtf
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Rt to bother an English speaker
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it