Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭